Still Living By The Sword

A Godswood Short; An aging heroic adventurer explains why he has, once again, been kicked out of his girlfriend's house.

“She did WHAT?!” The tiny figure said, buzzing around the man’s head. The man waved his hand back and forth at the smaller figure, without any malice, but some clear irritation in this gesture. Like in a dance, the tiny one flew around, evading his hands with ease.

“Don’t do that. I’ve told you so many times that your wings aggravate my tinnitus when you fly so close to my ears.” The man said, gruffly and grumpily. The little figure laughed at the man’s irritation, but flew back a ways from his head. The man eyed her with suspicion but lowered his hand.

“Old man ears ain’t what they used to be are they.” The little figure trilled in it’s shrill voice. The man winced at the high pitched tenor of his companions voice, which only further amused the little being. 

“Av Thor have mercy on me. I feel like you’ve been intentionally pitching your voice in soprano ever since I told you about my hearing injury.” He said, his deep baritone voice rumbling with a tone that mixed exasperation with amusement. 

“I dontttttt know what you’re talkkkinngggg about!” The little figure sang. She was definitely singing in soprano. “But youuuuu neeeed to spill the beannnnssssssss! SPILL THEM.” She said, now hovering in place, her wings flickering at a pace that would give a hummingbird anxiety.

The man garumphed. That’s the only appropriate word to describe it. He fixed his one good eye on his companion and glared. Well, half glared. She just laughed at him. The man sighed and shook his head.

“You heard me. She kicked me out of the house because she thought I was having an affair with you.” The man said, looking embarrassed, frustrated and… something that approximated inevitability if that were an emotion one could have.

The tiny fairy spun in a circle howling with laughter and delight. A malicious delight if we’re being honest. The kind of laughter that you have at an old friend who has got themselves in a kind of trouble that just *shouldn’t be.* And, its absurdity is too much to get upset over.

“You. Having an affair with ME. Right?” She said, holding her hands around her chest because she was wheezing so badly. “She does know that’s, like, anatomically impossible right. Like… what the hell would I do… with… that??!” She stopped, looked at him, and then burst out laughing, again. He was trying to look unimpressed, but was clearly holding back laughter as well. 

“You are WAYYYYyyyy too young for me anyways.” She said to the man with only one eye and about 30% of his once glorious black hair overthrown by a dull grey, “I don’t date sub-centennials.” 

She fixed him with a look, “I warned you she was trouble. You need to go find some sexy forest witch or a sorceress or something. Someone who actually knows something about anything. Merchant’s daughter? Doesn’t matter if she’s pretty and wants to ‘settle down’… she doesn’t know shit about what kind of life you’ve led.” 

The man sighed, “Yeah that was sort of the point. I’m OLD, by human standards anyways. I’m tired of looting crypts and avenging wrongs. It’d be nice to just… you know… plant a crop in a field…”

“Or a woman!” the fairy said, interrupting him. The man just rolled his eye. 

“Yes or a woman. I like eating. Ok? I’m tired of killing people to earn my food. I thought it’d be a nice change of pace to be with a civilized woman. Forest witches have such… high… expectations.” He said, kicking a rock on the side of the road like a heartbroken teenage boy that still laments the one that got away. Only in his case it was probably closer to the ten that got away. 

Definitely not hundreds though. Hard to sustain a healthy relationship while frequently sleeping in forests and graveyards. 

“What tipped her off to our scandalous inter-species affair ?” The fairy asked, her tone of voice set to ‘heckling.’

The man sighed ignoring her needling, “She was getting annoyed at me for forgetting to take my boots off when I came into the house. I tracked mud onto some rug she’d had imported from one of the cities from far east Targannon. I forget the name. Apparently it was ‘expensive and one of a kind.’”

“So?” The fairy said, “Doesn’t she have servants to deal with that?” 

The man coughed, looking embarrassed, “Well… yes…”

The fairy brightened up, “Ohhh… you sassed her back. Didn’t you. What’d you say?”

“Uhhh….” The man said, looking at the sky.

“SPILL IT.” The fairy said, flying right up to his nose. He jerked back waving his hands in a defensive posture and cried out, “Cut that out!”

“Only if you SPILL IT!” the fairy said, defiantly. She was clearly the bully of this relationship.

“Fine! I said she was riding my ass harder than you do. And why should she care, she wasn’t going to clean it anyways, she’d just get the servants to do it.” He said, sighing. His shoulders slumping in defeat. 

“Is that all?” The fairy said, eyeing him. The man shook his head.

“No… I was still in my outdoor clothes when I slumped down into one of her custom designer chairs and put my boots up on one of the ottomans she had imported from Montaigne.” He said, looking miserable. 

“I was tired!” He said, throwing up his hands at the fairy’s look of disgust, “I’d just returned home after apprehending those horse bandits who had been raiding merchant caravans on the road to Don Tac. There were 6 of them! I took down 6 of them! In the rain! And mud! Alive! I was exhausted! I deserved a break.”

The fairy laughed. “And this is why you can’t be with a woman who cares more about stuff than your gallant heroism.” The man just looked miserable. His clothes were still dirty and damaged from his fight with the raiders.

“I liked her. I could see a future with her.” He said, sadly. The fairy flew at him, punching him in the shoulder as she came in. “Stop that!” He said, annoyed, but obviously unhurt. 

“Stop being a little bitch. You would have gone crazy in such a sedentary lifestyle within the year.” The fairy said, avoiding his clumsy human swats.

“That was the point! Get fat, go crazy, have kids. Like the rest of them!” He said, now laughing. 

“You’re not like the rest of them and never will be. I watched you hack off the leg off a giant and then kick him in the balls when he fell over. No human who does that ‘retires to the countryside’.” The Fairy said, also laughing. The man kept laughing, clearly indicating this was a special memory for both of them. 

“Now come on! I heard rumours there was a necromancer trying to build an army of the dead out west again. Lets go kick his ass.” The fairy said, getting serious. 

The man looked grim and spat. “Av Thor, I hate necromancers. Fucking wankers never learn.”

“That’s the spirit!” the fairy said, as they wandered off down the road. The man’s romantic troubles momentarily forgotten in the face of yet another villain begging for justice.